I Would Never Hurt You
by nekozuki1776
Summary: Akira's mixed emotions about Yuya. Some thoughts on Kyo and the others. CHAPTER 5 now up. Spoilers up to Volume 30.
1. A Not So Ordinary Woman

**CHAPTER 1 SUMMARY:** Akira's mixed emotions about Yuya before her kidnapping. Some thoughts on Kyo. WARNING - Spoilers up to Volume 10 of the SDK MANGA.

**CHAPTER 1 RATING:** G

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Samurai Deeper Kyo anime, manga or any of its characters. Kamijyo Akimine is the true legal and spiritual owner.

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I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU

By: Nekozuki1776

Chapter 1

_I've been observing you for some time now._

_You worrying__ over him._

_Getting mad at him._

_Begrudgingly buying him sake.___

_Taking care of him when injured._

_And now, you sit there waiting. _

For him.

Why him? Why does it always have to be him?

Don't you get tired of waiting? Are you obsessed? Is it because of the vendetta you seek in the honor of your brother's death?

Most would have abandoned him by now. But you haven't. And you don't seem on doing so anytime in the near future.

That intrigues me.

And in turn makes me not want to kill you.

I realize that I'm obsessed with him in my own way. Back when we all fought by his side, the others said that I worshipped him like one would an older brother. This is true. I couldn't began to repay him for taking me under his wing. For all the times that he protected me. Hurt me. Trained me. All the things that a good sibling does. He was a strong and a formidable swordsman. A fighter to be reckoned with. No fear, no attachments, no regrets.

But you're changing him. And I don't care for it.

Not. One. Bit.

There I go again, the protective little brother.

Just who do you think you are? He's slaughtered a thousand and he lets himself become affected with one look.

One look from you.

When I encountered him for the first time in four years, his behavior disgusted me. He almost showed concern towards you. Almost. But he caught himself just in time before the others saw it.

But I noticed.

You really are a distracting existence in his life.

And that irritates me.

It irritates me because this same samurai four years ago would never have lowered himself to such baser human emotions. And the few times that he did, the object of his distraction usually never lasted for long.

I've witnessed him inwardly struggling; trying to figure out how to deal with you.

Please don't misunderstand me. He certainly is confidant in his arrogant attitude towards you and I suspect the label for you as his "servant" is not a misnomer to him.

Nonetheless, he is changing due to your presence and I believe he has become disconcerted by it.

I personally don't know what to think of it.

One thing is for certain, this is not the path of reviving the infamous, feared warrior that I once knew.

What am I going to do with him?

What am I going to do with you?

Before I started observing you, I thought you were just one of his mindless minions who wouldn't have the patience nor the inclination to stick with him for long. Frankly, I didn't think you would survive past a day. After all, he isn't exactly the sociable, amiable sort.

But you proved to be otherwise. I've witnessed your courage of standing up to foes mightier than you for his sake. Your loyalty towards his purpose and the trust you place in his abilities are boundless. The respect you display through deeds, not words are definitely evident. You understand him. And he tolerates you. It's a combination I've not had privy to in quite some time.

When I finally met you in person the other day, you spoke to me with compassion and energy that is quite a rarity in this time and age. That's when I realized how much you resemble HER.

One of my expertise is to sense true feelings and emotions within a person. So although I can't "see" you, my ability allows me to attest to so much more. And I unfortunately took the time to scrutinize you. Unlike most people, you weren't repulsed by me. You never questioned or were repelled by my unusually white hair or my lack of sight. You treated me with extraordinary kindness. Your aura remained soft and true.

Damn me for having these thoughts.

Is this how he feels?

Like older brother, like younger brother . . .

The faith you place in that man frustrates me beyond all reason.

Your blind faith in the human race as a whole is unseemly in this time of war and corruption.

Did I say blind? No pun intended of course.

Your credo in believing that in essence, everyone is good makes me want to chuckle in amusement.

But I don't because I am left once again with the quandary of deciding what to do with you.

I know what must be done in order to bring him back to his old form. Since the normal conventions of the other incompetent Jyunishinshi trying to demand, ambush, or trap him have proven ineffective, we are forced to enact the final plan of exposing his weakness.

So we have now been reduced to kidnapping a mere woman.

I know you're anything but. Those who would say otherwise are complete imbeciles.

Ah, but that's what I thought before I met you. So the joke is on me, I suppose.

_You still remain there waiting. _

_Waiting for him._

_I sense that you're fidgeting now, getting bored, maybe tired of staying in one spot for a long period of time. But you bide your time, nonetheless._

_And show no sign of walking away. _

_Foolish woman._

Maybe it is me that's affected. Oh kami-sama. Don't let that be true. Not again. I can't let myself be distracted by you. By anyone. You're completely oblivious to the effects that you have on those around you and that draws me to you all the more.

And I'm caught.

Once again.

Always wanting what the brother has.

You don't know what he did to HER. I'll spare you the hurtful details, but I'll warn you all the same because you at least deserve that. SHE, like you, chose to stand by his side without any doubt or reservation and as a result, was brought much unhappiness.

I would never let harm come to you. I'm strong. Maybe not as strong as he is but plenty enough to protect you. I will also promise you something that he never could: I would never make you cry and feel pain as a direct result of my actions. Anyone with half a mind can see that you were meant to smile. For once, I will remove myself from the frigid veneer of my normally secluded life and ask you to come with me. I would provide you the peace and happiness that have been eluding you all these years.

Unfortunately, if you're anything like HER, which I fear you are, you'll probably tell me that you've chosen your path and stubbornly announce that you'll acquire happiness with your own two hands, not with the aid, let alone at the expense, of another.

Stupid, headstrong, loyal optimist of a fool. Do you not understand your limitations?

But that's what draws me to you.

The other Jyunishinshi and the "master" insist on disposing of you after the mission. Bastards. Are they ever going to be surprised of what I have in store for them once I recover his body.

Ah yes, his body. Somehow, the topic always comes back to HIM, doesn't?

Just you wait and see. As soon as my primary goal of recovering his body comes to fruition, I'll ask you. If you refuse my offer, I don't know what I'll do.

Either which way, I can't let you go back to him.

I'll convince you to see my way. If not at the Sea of Trees, then perhaps at a another time, another place.

Until then Yuya-san, please be safe.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

A/N – The Akira/Yuya relationship, however insignificant as many might think, has caught my attention in the MANGA. Although I foresee more of a loyal friendship or a brotherly/sisterly bond to form versus a romantic one, I do believe that Akira is at his most sincere and true self when he is with Yuya.


	2. The Need for You

**CHAPTER 2 Summary:** Akira's thoughts after joining Kyo to go to the Mibu territory to destroy the curse cast on Yuya. Takes place before they enter the gates of hell. WARNING - Spoilers up to Volume 14 of SDK MANGA.

**CHAPTER 2 RATING:** PG

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Samurai Deeper Kyo anime, manga or any of its characters. Kamijyo Akimine is the true legal and spiritual owner.

This chapter is dedicated to those who provided the kind feedbacks and SDK Volumes 10-14 which inspired me to further ponder upon the enigmatic figure that is Akira.

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I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU

By: Nekozuki1776

Chapter 2

He is not in the best of moods.

He's emanating with downright anger and irritation. Even more so than usual.

And who can blame him?

Frankly, my mood isn't so great either.

Everyone is taking a moment to regroup and gather their strength before passing through the gates of hell to the ultimate destination of the Mibu domicile.

What I really want to do now is not rest but to run recklessly through those gates.

A distinct sound of painful breathing grabs me from my thoughts as I turn to its source.

It's you.

The reason why we need to regroup.

To care for your sickened state.

And for this reason I refuse to wait a second more.

But I remind myself that this is necessary because you require medicine and a moment to calm the fever you have been running ever since those witch Mibu warriors, Saishi and Saisei left you with that horrible parting gift.

The gift of only twelve more hours to live.

So I bite down my impatience and allow my mind to wander. . .

Hard to believe it's been barely two months.

It feels like years since the last time I saw you.

The answer you gave me to my offer was not unexpected. I was sad but not disappointed. You have a very determined spirit. Sometimes a bit too determined for your own good, but I suppose that might be necessary with the company you keep.

What saddened me was the unhappiness that was to follow by the decision you made to stand by him.

And I worried about you.

I realize this is hard to fathom. The non-feeling manipulator of ice showing a human side. Contrary to popular beliefs, I do experience a few of the "softer" human emotions.

All one or two of them.

The rest are under lock and key behind my steely cold veneer.

Trust me, it's much more convenient this way.

I was worried when you were under the spell in Yomotsu Hirasaka. All who are taken to that deceptively beautiful flower field are forced to relive painful memories of their pasts.

It was torture to witness you reliving the horrific tragedy that still haunts you to this day. Oftentimes, when victims are left in this place, there is usually no one to revive them back to the present. Some in fact become trapped forever and die due to their anguish and confusion.

For the second time in a few months, I stepped out of my normally poised indifference to comfort you out of your nightmare.

I savored the moment when you were in my arms as I coaxed you back to reality; gently pulling you up to wake you and thus giving me a fleeting excuse to sense your close presence. I still remember how comfortable you felt in my arms and how you grasped on to me in glazed consciousness as if I was your lifeline.

When the other Jyunishinshi suspiciously observed my actions, I calmly retorted that the "plan" would have been futile if the valued hostage was reduced to a mentally vegetated state. Everyone shrugged and agreed except for that obnoxiously astute Shindara. He even had the nerve to insinuate my involvement in Kubira's death.

Of course I killed that moronic puppet master. But no one, not even that invincible former ninja was supposed to know. So I coolly feigned my innocence and went on my way.

I knew the risks involved in waking and comforting you in front of them but I couldn't help it. You shouldn't have had to experience that all over again. I could tell that you were in intense pain. As if the psychological scar wasn't bad enough, it seems that you were inflicted with a physical one as well.

I was tempted to ask you on several occasions about that night of your brother's death. But I knew it was an experience you carry privately in your heart so I stopped myself.

I hope that someday, you'll trust me enough to share your thoughts with me.

And it makes me think again.

What is this strong need that I have to gain your trust?

It's quite disturbing what you do to my sense of balance. Even in my thoughts. . .

I believe that you have a similar effect on many of those around you.

You are indeed the unknown power that hides in plain sight.

And you don't even realize it.

It caught me off-guard when you appeared in the midst of my battle at the Sea of Trees. It surprised me even more to see you accompanied by the two other Jyunishinshi that were meant to perish.

Once again, you pulled one of your obstinate acts and bled your hands silly breaking the two Jyunishinshi out of the ice prison I encased them in. I had meant only for you to escape but you refused to leave anyone behind. Even if they were your enemies.

When you returned alive and well contrary to what I had previously announced, you could have knocked him down with a feather.

That split second of absolute surprise.

None of us missed it.

Of course, he quickly returned back to his mask of indifference, but my "sight" caught that extra emotion.

The sense of relief that exuded from his aura.

Even with the supreme control over his emotions, he couldn't hide that from me. Especially when the aura is too overwhelming to control.

And believe me, it was out of control.

A part of me was angered by your interruption of our battle. A bigger part of me was relieved to see you come back. Because it was at that moment he started to unleash his fury. I don't know how much longer I could have kept him at bay if you hadn't showed up.

Just a small taste of his infuriating power.

It was mind blowing, frightening, and exciting—all at the same time. He was back to the same powerful samurai I used to know; and then some.

And this was right after his near fatal battle against Nobunaga. Even with Kyoshiro backing him up, he should have been knocked unconscious, maybe even dead. But he wasn't. He even overpowered his alter ego and forced his demon eyes self back out like there was no tomorrow.

It was at this moment of epiphany I realized my strategy had brought out more than I bargained for.

My divine plan, although effective in seemingly bringing the warrior back, also awakened an unknown side that I never thought existed.

And you are the cause of that unknown.

The more you are by his side, the stronger he becomes. More precisely, your unconditional belief in him and his abilities prevents his soul from deteriorating while occupying Kyoshiro's body.

You just might be the catalyst in keeping his humanity intact and provide the strength he needs to reclaim his body.

Oh kami-sama.

That's one powerful ability.

It's an ability more potent than any secret technique that Muramasa could have ever taught him.

And the ability that allows him to become all the more powerful.

Is this what happens when you fight in the name of someone you want to protect?

Unfortunately, with that power comes the emotions of dealing with a hot-tempered, money frugal, headstrong, kind-hearted, free-spirited of a woman that is you.

The emotions, I suspect, he has no inclination to experience or deal with during this time of chaos and uncertainty. He wants to remain focused. To keep his eyes on the prize and not be distracted.

Unfortunately, you're the valuable link and therefore a susceptible target. He tries to deny the need to have you around but he can't let you go.

So he acts under the pretense of demanding that his "servant" has no right to leave his master, and thus, obligate you to accompany him.

After all, he rationalizes, someone has to sponsor his sake-loving lifestyle, right?

But I believe that it is the thick layer of arrogance and pride that camouflages what an important part you've become in his life.

And I notice the subtle changes that support my theory in the way he treats you.

Rude but never violent. Indifferent but remotely concerned. Overtly perverted but never going beyond the point of no return.

And last but not least, promising you that he would "pay his debts".

The moment I heard of his pledge to save you, you could have knocked me down with a feather.

As a man of his word, he has never backed out on a promise.

A reason why he rarely makes them.

It's been a long time since a person has been able to affect him as you have.

Am I jealous?

And if I am, exactly with whom am I jealous of?

Of him who has gained your trust and loyalty,

Or with you who has been able to affect him so?

More prior than the latter but admittedly both nonetheless.

Ah, but I digress.

I know you're wondering why I decided to join your group.

I have a variety of reasons, two of them which I will tell you but there are a few others I will keep to myself for now. Maybe someday, I will be able to share them with you.

My first reason is to fight by his side once again and to become stronger in the process. Then, after returning him back to his old body, I want to fight him.

I want to fight the man that transformed into an even stronger, more formidable warrior than the one before. Not just the man who learned the ultimate techniques of the Mumyou Jinpuu-ryuu, but also the man who fights with a newfound conviction that he never had.

I was worried of the response I would receive after my stunt awhile back but he was more forgiving than I thought. I figured he might not accept me or challenge me to a fight. I wouldn't have blamed him. After all, I did try to kill him, lie to him and participated in the kidnapping of a woman who was fast becoming an important part in his life.

For what it's worth, he might have seen through my charade and knew what I was planning all along. Like a petulant child who wanted his brother back.

I had initially planned on approaching you once he completed his final training with Muramasa. But all my plans changed when I heard of what had happened to you.

The moment I found out what Shinrei did, I came out of my hiding.

Which brings me to my second reason of why I chose to fight by his side as a Shiseiten once again.

Damn that dirty low-life of a Mibu.

To stoop to the level of using you, an innocent bystander, to get to the man he wants to kill.

That was your first kiss, wasn't it?

If you can call what that heartless bastard did to you as a kiss.

How violated you must have felt, how you must be feeling now; to have that accursed water dragon forced inside you through that tainted kiss.

I warned you back then. I told you what would happen if you remained by his side, didn't I?

And again, you refused to acknowledge my warning. In fact, in response to my frustrated need to reiterate your forthcoming unhappiness, you restated your credo without any regrets.

Does the depth of your foolish stubbornness hold no bounds?

_You're faring better now, less feverish, calmer, and breathing more steadily…_

_The medicine Bontenmaru administered seems to be taking the proper effect. _

_Thank goodness._

The medicine belongs to Kyoshiro, doesn't it?

Do you carry it for the sake of your injury prone companions or for another more personal reason?

I'd rather not entertain that thought right now.

What I want to do is to wish that you were never involved in this mess in the first place.

To take you back in time to the point when I initially asked you to come with me and use whatever means necessary to convince you so that I wouldn't have to witness the pain you're experiencing at this moment.

I know it's selfish of me. I'm just being honest.

And then I remind myself that wishes are for kids or for those who still believe in them.

I am neither.

Something tells me though, that you would never have been able to live with yourself if you had decided to play it safe and come with me.

But at least your life wouldn't be a mere 12 hours from its end. . .

Having a caged, yet a predictably safe life vs. living a life based on free will despite its tragic circumstances.

No matter how many chances you are given, you would undoubtedly choose the more challenging path.

I don't know whether to sigh in frustration or to chuckle fondly at your firm resolve.

But enough sentiment. Let me focus on the reality at hand.

To the evil source of your suffering.

Damn that Goyousei warrior to the depths of hell for trying to crush your heart, your soul, and your indefatigable spirit.

Shinrei will pay a thousand-fold for inflicting such a horrible curse on you.

You say that you're a burden, a heavy weight that drags the group down. But you're not. You're anything but. And from what I've observed, it is because of you that everyone—Benitora, Yukimura, Sasuke, and the others desire to become stronger.

It is in your name that they put aside each of their objectives and differences in respect for the common bond that brings them all together.

Including myself.

And him.

He endured the fatally dangerous training without a second thought.

I know that he boasts that Muramasa's training was all for the purpose of reclaiming his body and earning him the ultimate title of the "strongest".

But I know that it was also for you.

You try to hide your true emotions with a lighthearted bravado. I can tell by your tormented aura that you deny this honor because you're unworthy, that no one should sacrifice their goals, their dreams, their lives for one mere person.

Please don't do that. It tortures me when you feel this way.

Haven't you gotten through your stubborn demeanor that you're anything but a _mere person_?

I truly believe that fate has sent you to alliance us for the ultimate battle.

To prepare us for the biggest fight of our lives.

Fear not Yuya-san, for none of us will let you perish. I for one will do whatever is necessary to get that curse expelled from your body.

Even if it costs my life.

And I would never see it as a sacrifice.

Not if it means saving you.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

A/N (9.29.04) – I have received inquiries asking if "SHE" in Chapter 1 was referring to Sakuya. The identity of "SHE" mentioned in Volume 10 of the manga was never revealed and thus I have kept it as such. I have an inkling it might be Sakuya but with so much of Kyo's past still unrevealed, it could be someone entirely different altogether.

On another note: Although this story encompasses the events that take place in the manga, most of Akira's thoughts and feelings that I portray are of my own making. I am simply interpreting Kamijyo-sensei's character in the way I choose to see him—which is what the spirit of fan fiction is all about, ne?

With that being said, I am convinced more than ever of the unique bond between Akira and Yuya. As friends, sibling-types, or a one-sided affection from the part of Akira, there is definitely something distinctive there. As I continue to read later volumes, I find myself further intrigued by the basis of their relationship.

**Thank you to shadowcat15, Happster360, Alyson Metallium, Lady of Genesis, Lady Yuya Shiina, Arin Ross, mystlady, kawaii2, and Mewkimura for the reviews. –nekozuki **


	3. The Need to Protect

**CHAPTER 3 Summary:** Akira looks back on his last twelve hours since their entry to the Mibu territory. WARNING - Spoilers up to Vol 22 of SDK MANGA.

**CHAPTER 3 RATING:** PG

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Samurai Deeper Kyo anime, manga or any of its characters. Kamijyo Akimine is the true legal and spiritual owner.

**ANOTHER WARNING: There are all sorts of spoilers that cover Vol 15 – Vol 22 of the manga. If you do not want to know what happens, please do not read this story. You have been warned x 3!

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I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU

By: Nekozuki1776

Chapter 3

_The last 12 hours have been nothing short of hell._

_I breathe a deep sigh. _

_Partly in pain and mostly in relief thinking of all that we've accomplished. _

_One thing is for certain._

_Things sure aren't lacking of excitement around here_.

In the past 12 hours, I've fallen through a deep chasm, sustained multiple stab wounds, been tested beyond my physical limits and have had my mind torn inside out.

I suppose it's all in a day's work when one chooses to take on the most powerful entity in the country.

It also comes with the territory when one is a member of the Shiseiten and is affiliated with the most powerful samurai of all time.

Biased? Maybe. But I wouldn't expect anything less from a man that taught me everything I know about being a warrior.

And the mental and physical pain over the last twelve hours was nothing . . .

Compared to the pain of having to witness your rapid deterioration.

Shinrei's curse initially left you with sixty days to live. But it wasn't enough having you suffer the anticipation of your preordained death; so Saishi and Saisei took it one step further by reducing your lifeline to twelve hours.

Twelve. Miserable. Hours.

To have an evil organism wrenching the life out of your heart.

I've endured many tortures in my life. But never this.

What a cheap shot those bastards pulled.

A face to face battle I can handle, even if I was outnumbered. At least I would be directly facing my opponents.

The anguished guilt you were emanating from your aura was almost unbearable. To not only face a ghost of an enemy literally squeezing the life out of you but to be burdened with the fact that you were the main source of entrapment to get us to Mibu.

We all have our different reasons for going to Mibu. Even you, Yuya-san.

You just happen to be our most important reason at the moment.

It was your spirit that brought us together for the common bond that is you. I just wish it wasn't under these dire circumstances.

Like the time in Yomotsu Hirasaka, I wanted to hold you in my arms and soothe you with every comforting word I could think of to convince you that you were in no way at fault for this.

But I didn't. Something held me back.

And big brother was always watching . . .

He knew something. He had already given me his trademark silent look that stated a thousand words.

But let's not dwell on this topic now.

We all have our own battles to face as you do yours.

And I knew that no amount of coaxing would have eased your distressed state. So I did my best to silently guard over you while we embarked on this journey of dispelling your curse.

Shinrei, Saishi, Saisei. All of Mibu. They were going to pay.

But like all paths taken to Mibu, the road was a long and winding one. We were tested from the moment we stepped into the confines of their territory.

We first faced a horde of soldiers, a sort of an anti-demon eyes coalition. They embarked on an attack even as they hostilely denounced us.

They especially shunned HIM. They called him the red-eyed abomination, the last of the cursed demon child responsible for bringing about the unfortunate events into Mibu. But we defeated them quite easily.

The soldiers were followed by a second group of constituents that confronted us only moments later. Their gripe was how the demon eyed child turned their revered Muramasa against the Mibu. They even blamed him for his mentor's death as they began their open attack in revenge.

For a moment, I thought that our journey had ended even before it began.

But we got through to them. Opened a line of communication.

Thanks to you, Yuya-san.

I don't know if it was your post fever delirium or your usual foolishness that made you rush into harms way in front of the attacking warriors but my heart skipped a beat in fear of your life.

Thank kami for the spirit of Muramasa's kodachi guarding over her.

And guarding over us.

It was only then did we gain the approval to travel through the gates and to fight in the name of Muramasa's hopes and ideals.

But obtaining their approval for entrance was the least of our worries. Not even a few steps through the gateway, another pleasant event fell upon us.

Or more accurately, we fell through it.

I was too preoccupied worrying over your condition following your confrontation outside the gate when we were caught off guard as the ground fell out from under us. And Bon (Bontenmaru), you, and I started dropping straight through the depths of the black hole.

Just one of the many welcome wagons sent out by the Mibu.

Within a heartbeat, we instinctually went into our survival mode as Bon passed you over to me and I took you into my arms. I then proceeded to use Bon as a jumping board to ricochet towards the surface, avoiding the falling crags of the stoned pathway and throw you to HIM—the only person who wasn't caught in this trap.

It was rather a tricky maneuver to defy the fast pull of gravity while securely holding you and then focusing all my strength to accurately throw you out of harms away.

Straight into the arms of my brother.

I had no doubt he was going protect you with everything he had but I couldn't help but think that you might have been safer by my side; knowing the prodigal, demon eyed son was very much a target in his Mibu homeland.

However, I knew I didn't have a choice, especially since I didn't know what I was falling into.

And it took less than a hair's breath for me to decide to hurl you out of danger as I instructed you to tell him not to worry about us and that Bon and I were going to catch up as soon as we could.

But while my body went through these strategic motions, a part of me had already become unaware of everything around me.

Except for the woman in my arms.

At this point, the physical and mental demand of this situation was the last thing on my mind when all I could think was how close your body was to mine.

And nothing could have felt so good and so sweet than what I experienced in those few seconds.

Believe me when I say that falling down a bottomless pit was not planned. It certainly wasn't a pretense to hold you.

But it doesn't mean I didn't like it.

All my senses seem to heighten a hundred fold as I molded you into my arms.

I thank whatever force of nature in addition to gravity that brought us together for those few precious seconds. It went by so quickly that I doubt you even realize what happened in your shocked state let alone experience it like I did. Those few seconds when I got to hold you, to relish your scent, to embrace your entire essence before I hurled your form to safety.

I'll let you think the rapid beating of my heart was due to the danger we were facing.

It had nothing to do with you.

Not at all.

And maybe if I keep repeating to myself that Yukimura hates drinking sake, I'll believe that too.

I wanted to continue to wrap my arms around you and never let you go.

To shield you from all this pain.

The urgency of getting you to immediate safety versus wanting to make this moment last a lifetime was a difficult choice. Having to part with you after the few seconds of heaven was indeed torture.

Leave it to you to cause havoc in my mind while filling me with complete comfort. How ironic to find the one iota of peace within your arms in midst of this utter chaos.

This was most likely the only opportunity to be this close to you so I relished every moment while in the close proximity of your entire aura . The few seconds of blissful eternity that I tucked away in the corner recess of my mind.

It was one of the few memories I grasped onto in my darkest hour during my confrontation with the two Goyousei warriors.

My battles with Saishi and Saisei were one of toughest I've faced in a long time. I give them credit for their thoroughness. Those two read my every move.

The fight with Saisei in particular was a difficult one. She used every piece of data in my profile in almost destroying me.

Almost.

The arrogant Goyousei was convinced she had the upper hand and was literally announcing my death in front of my battered form.

How rude.

The announcement was premature on her part.

Her overconfidence was her one fatal flaw to her otherwise impeccable fighting technique.

Don't get me wrong. I could barely stand let alone continue to fight towards the end. By this point, it would have been so easy to succumb to the darkest comfort of death. Every muscle, every bone, every fiber of my being was filled with pain and I was ready to announce my life for forfeit.

But it was with my grasp of the aforementioned memories and the thought of abandoning the two particular people in these memories that prevented me from giving up.

You and Him.

Him for inspiring me to be the warrior I want to be.

You for inspiring me to be the man I want to be.

Everyone has what it takes to die. To live is a much a harder thing.

It was with this thought I solved the secret to her technique. It took me longer than it should have. But I did it.

Saisei's power of deflecting my attacks on to me backfired once I found the precise window of opportunity to reciprocate her technique. I completely took her by surprise when I stabbed myself in the stomach with my own swords to finish her off.

After the defeat of Saisei, overpowering Saishi was child's play.

Soon after the battle when I was barely lucid in my pain, HE approached in a surprise attack, with his red eyes glittering and he spoke through his vicious smirk as he promised me to a REAL battle once this whole Mibu business was out of the way.

A bonafide one-on-one battle with the demon-eyed legend.

His harsh words voiced in a form of a challenge was tantamount to a compliment. What a heady feeling it was to have my brother acknowledge me as a worthy opponent after all these years.

It was with his words and your comforting care of my wounds which willed me to continue with our journey.

And the remaining Goyousei battles came about as your life continued to fade.

Even in your weakened state, you continued to keep up, you encouraged us to go on, despite the challenges the Mibu continued to dispense one after another.

The third Goyousei, Chinmei, was probably the worst one of them all. No one was fooled by his so called peace loving façade which barely hid his animalistic malice towards our fearless leader. The psycho nearly pulverized him. And when Chinmei was finally defeated, once again, true to Mibu form, he left a parting gift for you.

A further reduction of your life force down to one hour.

What is it about you that invites trouble Yuya-san?

Forgive me for my harshness. What I should be asking is, what kind of brutal warriors were they anyway? One more sadistic than the other. Especially that Chinmei. There was something definitely unbalanced about that Goyousei. If I didn't know any better, his maniacal persistence would refuse the grim reaper to claim him and it was only a matter of time until we encountered him again.

But back to the matter at hand. The gloom further set in –filled us with worry and apprehension with the fact that you only had one hour before the water dragon wrenched the life out of you.

It's not often I beseech to a higher power. After all, there isn't anything much more omnipotent than the "gods" we were facing. But I couldn't help but ask for the first time in a long time, someone from above for the strength, the will and the miracle to spare your life.

And you still maintained your strong spirit. Held on to hope against hope and matter of factly proclaimed that you were going to battle the curse and your inner fear as intensely as each of us battled the Goyousei warriors.

At one point, you were given a chance for a merciful "out" from all this trauma by the only seemingly compassionate Mibu in existence, Taihaku. He sympathetically offered to persuade Shinrei into expunging the curse in exchange for our dutiful retreat.

True to form, you countered in your viciously determined tone of how none of us fought tooth and nail risking our lives throughout the Mibu grounds only to be told to beg for your life and walk away from it all.

You announced your fervent belief in all of our abilities to overcome the Goyousei. There was no way you were obediently waving the white flag of defeat. You would rather die trying than to be saved under those circumstances.

Stupid, foolish woman.

Of all the times when you should have been conserving your last resource of energy as your life ebbed away, you had to go loudly pontificating your adamant rejection of everything that's Mibu.

Even if it cost your life.

I wanted to scream to the heavens for you to accept Taihaku's offer. But I knew, like the offer I made to you back at the Sea of Trees, it wasn't my choice to make.

_To live a life of free will despite its tragic circumstances. _

And I couldn't have been more frustrated . . . and more proud of you than I was at that moment.

It wasn't long after Taihaku bowed in defeat with his battle with Benitora did we head off to the last Goyousei.

Oh how I wanted to have my pound of flesh with this bastard—the cause of all your pain.

But by the time we reached Shinrei, I was worn for the wear. Bruised, battered and barely conscious.

And I knew this was my mentor's fight.

Shinrei was tough. But the demon eyed warrior was tougher.

And you were with him in spirit every moment of the way.

Even in your near death state with only minutes left to live, you mustered up the will to continue battling in spirit along with the rest of us.

To give him the reason to fight.

To give him the strength to carry out the Mumyou Jinpuu-ryuu ultimate technique with absolute flawless execution.

To obtain the final victory that relented Shinrei to at last release the curse from your body.

_What a relief to have you back to norm. To be childishly laughing and flailing your flintlock about while promising to obtain monetary compensation for all our pain and suffering. It seems as though the frighteningly rambunctious spirit of the bounty huntress has made a full recovery amongst us. _

_How WONDERFUL. _

Truth be told, your overzealous ranting on the potential profits to be made and the revenge to be taken is a small price to pay to have you back the way you were meant to be--healthy and whole, free of the blasted curse and laughing with your enthusiastic vigor for life.

One thing is for certain.

Things are never dull around you, is it?

The last 12 hours have been nothing short of hell . . .

And I would go through it all over again Yuya-san.

Just to hear you laugh.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

A/N – (10/10/04) I've decided to address the reviews and e-mails in a general summary format since there were many similar questions. Upon several e-mail requests, I have also summarized some information that might be helpful in understanding certain terms and events of the manga as referenced in this story.

DISCLAIMER/ WARNING: This is my informal translation of the terms and definitions based on the SDK manga (not the anime). It is written for the sole purpose of facilitating the understanding of this story. It is in no way affiliated with the TOKYOPOP translation. My skills in the Japanese language are moderate at best but I do take careful action in my reading and research of the manga. Please do not rely on this information as an official / licensed reference or use it as such. Please ask if you would like to use the following information outside the scope as described above.

ONCE AGAIN, SPOILERS BELOW.

**TERMS:**

GOYOUSEI – The top five warriors in charge of protecting the Mibu Clan and especially the Red King. Each are bestowed with their own specific elemental power. ("GO" means number "5").

Goyousei listed in order of chronological battle appearance in MIBU:

1-Keikoku (aka Hotaru)

2-Saishi & Saisei

3-Chinmei

4-Taihaku

5-Shinrei

KODACHI – A short bladed hand sword. Muramasa gave his kodachi as a parting gift to Yuya for her protection as well as a memento.

SHISEITEN – The four powerful warriors that once fought by Kyo's side. After four years of dispersed wandering, they gradually regroup to rejoin forces with Kyo in the present period. ("SHI" means the number "4", SEITEN means "godly" or "heaven like").

Shiseiten listed in order of chronological appearance:

1-Akira

2-Bontenmaru

3-Hotaru (formerly Goyousei)

4-Akari (first appearance, Vol. 22)

THE RED KING (Aka-no-Ou) – The ultimate leader and the most powerful being in all of the Mibu Clan. It has been rumored that Kyo or Kyoshiro might be one of the possible successors to the Red King's throne.

o-o-o-o-o

The "kiss" when Shinrei places the water dragon curse in Yuya takes places in Volume 12, Chapter 94.

The scene when Akira "embraces" Yuya and throws her to Kyo for safety before falling down the black hole with Bontenmaru takes place in Volume 15, Chapter 117.

TOKYOPOP has released up to Volume 9 of the SDK manga in the English publication.

To date, I have read the SDK manga up to volume 26 and have also seen the anime series. I recently acquired Vol 27 and am in the midst of reading / analyzing it. I heard through the grapevine that Vol 28 will be out within the next month and am eagerly awaiting for its release.

**Thank you for your continued readership on this story which seems to have taken a life of its own. You make writing even more fun and exciting!**

**And an extra dose of arigato to those who reviewed: LadyWater2010, Happster360, Kyo'sDarkAngle, Lady of Genesis, Arin Ross, The Mediocre One, Alyson Metallium, Chibi Tenshi, A Smiling Rain Cloud, Starian Princess, Shiseiten-Hikari, and Genjy0-Sanz0. –nekozuki**


	4. The Need to Admit

**CHAPTER 4 Summary:** Akira ponders his growing feelings for Yuya. WARNING - Spoilers up to Vol 27 of SDK MANGA.

**CHAPTER 4 RATING:** PG

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Samurai Deeper Kyo anime, manga or any of its characters. Kamijyo Akimine is the true legal and spiritual owner.

**SPOILERS to VOLUME 15 – 27.

* * *

**

I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU

By: Nekozuki1776

Chapter 4

_How peaceful it seems at the moment. _

Trying to relax while consuming some bear stew concoction that one of Yukimura's ninjas conjured up.

For once, no battles, no bleeding, no deaths.

While I enjoy my share of the action, a temporary reprieve is a welcome change of pace amidst this chaos I call Mibu.

After a harrowing experience through the journey of the Four Doors, this was an ideal opportunity to heal and ponder on the events of the last several days.

I finally received a promise from my revered mentor for a one-on-one battle.

You have been expunged of the water dragon curse.

The almighty Shiseiten has re-grouped, more powerful than ever before.

I have fought and overcome a series of opponents, each more strong than the other.

My wounds have been healed. Initially after my fight with the Goyousei and the second time after my battle with the resurrected Jyunishinshi, Kubira.

All in all, everything seemed copasetic. This should have been a time to revel in good health and peaceful existence—however short lived it might be.

_So what is this uneasiness I'm feeling?_

_What is wrong with me?_

Something is not right.

And I think I know what it is.

It's HER.

That bossy, all-knowing, demon-eyed-warrior's-bride-wanna-be, female-at-heart-even-though-she's-a-man, Akari.

And she's back.

More conniving, more insufferable and more determined than ever.

To make my life a living a hell.

Forget what I said about Chinmei.

Akari is the real sadist around here.

And I admit it. She intimidates the living daylights out of me.

Over the years, I've conditioned myself to not only talk to but to think of Akari as a woman.

I've done this to prevent myself from accidentally addressing her by her given male name or slipping up by mentioning anything that might connect her to her gender.

Woe is to the man that makes this fatal mistake. May Akari dance with compassion over his grave.

I swear on top of her powers, I think she's also a mind reader. Even my sixth sense ability can't seem to shake her freaky intuition.

I know she's one of the good guys. She's a formidable fighter worthy of the title Shiseiten. She's strong, ruthless and skilled in her own right.

But…

She's always playing tricks on me--picking on the youngest Shiseiten. And beating me up to a pulp every time I calmly point out one or ten of her faults in her personality.

Who cares if she has the power to mend my stab wounds. She simply uses this as justification to give me twice the beating in the second round.

A powerful healer, fighter, shaman, and a samurai.

A person who will stop at nothing in asking for a proper payment for the use of her power.

A person who will compassionately and efficiently heal any physical affliction.

At the cost of my soul.

Or more accurately, at the severe detriment of my mental and emotional being.

This might be construed as an exaggeration on my part, but I do not jest. She is a wicked one, that Akari.

For in exchange for the use of her healing powers, Akari demands a confession of one valuable secret in return.

A secret that no one knows of.

A secret so deep that it would mean a death-

Of embarrassment for myself should the others find out.

I have been a recipient of this inhumane healing procedure for many years. Some confessions more humiliating than others. And I will admit, it was the most recent confession that took the rice cake.

But I knew the healing had to take to place.

So I gritted my teeth, stood my ground, and I told her.

And I've been regretting it ever since.

The cruel irony of it all was that the healing wasn't even for me. It was for that little Jyunishinshi brat, Antera.

What's happened to me anyway? To be willing to give up one of my most valued secrets to heal another? And worse yet for the sake of healing an enemy.

But I had no choice. I knew Antera wasn't truly evil by any standards and with her life on the brink of death, I had to plead on her behalf to save this girl's life.

I've gone soft.

You must be rubbing off on me, Yuya-san.

And I curse at my weakness as I try to reassert my feelings towards the _women _in my life.

Despite everything I've stated about Akari, she is not the epitome of pure evil that I claim her to be.

She is a fellow Shiseiten and deep down, she would never intentionally hurt me. I will even go as far as to say that her nosey personality sometimes senses my feelings better than I do myself.

At the end of the day, being an object of her ridicule and a victim to the combat bets schemed by her wicked tactics do not seem so horrific knowing that she watches out for me more times than I can count.

Which has helped me through a few rough times in my life.

So maybe I should stop bad-mouthing the pink-haired shaman and get to the real heart of the matter.

The real reason for my uneasiness…

_As I now sit amongst the group quietly partaking on my bear stew. _

_Or what's left of it after I knocked nearly the entire content of my bowl._

_Caused by the smart-ass comment that Yukimura made to you, Yuya-san.___

Who the hell does that sneaky Sanada think he is asking you a question like that?

Slyly inquiring whether you were intimately involved with my brother. Or further inquiring of the lascivious acts you might have performed for him in gratitude for defeating Shinrei and ultimately releasing you of the curse.

I knew none of these insinuations were true. But the words emitted out of that instigating ninja's mouth made me realize how much my recent encounter with Kubira had affected me.

How I must have looked the jealous idiot; abruptly standing up and knocking over the bowl and further losing my cool by adamantly denying his statement on your behalf.

So I made a big to-do about Yukimura's intentionally suggestive comments. So what?

Everything. That's what.

And my only saving grace is that you didn't seem to catch a thing. You just sat there, with a perplexed aura about you, offering me nothing but a confused expression.

Should I be frightened by your lack of astuteness?

Or should I be thanking the heavens for your infinite innocence and gullibility?

If it wasn't for my ability to read your aura, I frankly would have refused to believe that a woman who is so sensitive to a person's true nature can be so naively ignorant of the others' perceptions towards you.

And I wonder if there are other factors that have contributed to your somewhat dazed response to my blatantly protective behavior.

I know something happened to you during your journey through the passage of the Four Doors.

And it makes me regret that we ever got separated in the first place.

I realize it was a logical decision to divide into groups in order to cover more Mibu ground. I know you're strong in your own right and have the means to protect yourself —especially with the wicked aim you possess with that flintlock of yours.

But I still hated the idea of being separated from you. You had just barely escaped the jaws of death and things were assuredly becoming more dangerous from that point as we proceeded towards our destination to the Taishirou and the Red King.

Being the sensible person that you are, you readily agreed to dividing up the group and even volunteered the idea of picking names to see who each of us would partner up with in our journey through the Four Doors

And luck would have it, instead of being teamed up with you, I got stuck traveling with the buffoon squad duo of the dazed and indifferent and the idiotic comedy man.

It's not that I hate Hotaru and Benitora, I just didn't like idea of not being able to watch over you. I had at least hoped that you would be teamed up with my brother, but the pick of the straws demanded that you go forth with Akari.

And when we regrouped after our series of adventures through the respective Doors, we all came back under various degrees of battered, worn, and mentally exhausted.

You seemed unaffected physically, but something wasn't right by your aura. You were not only preoccupied, but also sad and frustrated, maybe even anguished.

But you diligently tended to the wounded and spoke spiritedly to the group with your encouragements and kind words. All this despite your troubling thoughts of your recent encounter.

Exactly what happened to you, Yuya-san?

It took everything in my will to keep me from approaching you and asking what was wrong. I knew something was amiss. All of us went through one challenge or another through the paths of the Four Doors and I suspect you were no exception.

As I also was not in my encounter with Kubira.

If my battles with Saishi and Saisei were physically exhausting, then my battle with Kubira was mentally and emotionally draining.

Although the two Goyousei gave me their fair share of a mental challenge, their tactics were nothing compared to what the mind master of the born again Jyunishinshi offered.

Kubira initially didn't appear to be much of a threat; asking strange questions that had nothing to do with the situation at present.

But behind every question was a fierce psychological attack that I could never have imagined. Although both Hotaru and Benitora received their brunt of the assail, I won't hesitate to say that his power had the most dangerous effect on me.

In my blind state, in which I rely on my other senses to "see" my surroundings, his attacks made me the most sensitive and susceptible of the three to his psychological tactics.

In total, Kubira asked four questions which his Mibu bestowed power created the mental images of my truest answer. And each question produced one brutal assault of an answer after another.

Question 1: Which person scares you the most?

Answer: Yuya-san. Let it not be said that you aren't the scariest when you are determinedly set in your opinions or protecting your purse strings.

Question 2: Which person are you the most weary of?

Answer: Akari. She's knows almost all of my secrets, even the ones I don't tell her.

Question 3: Which female intrigues you the most?

Answer: . . .

Question 4: Who is the strongest living being?

Answer: That's easy. HIM. My brother, my mentor.

Kubira didn't hold back any punches. With the images of the answer that formed in my mind, they all turned on me in the form of an attack of their full capability--with a flintlock, shamanic powers, or a sword. I felt every vicious attack on my body as well as in my mind.

He especially did his homework in creating the exact facsimile of my answer to his last question: from his fighting techniques to his swordsmanship and his red eyes that burned brighter than the blood he spilled down to the smirk in his gruff tone.

There seemed to be no discrepancies compared to the real thing when I stepped up to battle Kubira guised in the form of the strongest man I would ever know.

This guy was good. He hit me with everything the demon eyed warrior ever had including his secret techniques. The mental and physical toll of fighting him was almost too much. He attacked me with his sword as well as with his cruel words.

My insecurities, my doubts, and my fear; all the weakness I've ever harbored rolled into one in the presence of my mentor was more than I could bear.

It was excruciating. I was falling into the depths of mental hell, being tormented with the question of whether my value was even a fraction of my brother's worth.

Until someone knocked some sense into me.

If Benitora hadn't beat me with his hassun, I might still be in a comatose state while my mind plunged into the dark insanity of Kubira's technique.

So the dim-witted, Yuya-san sneaking, Tokugawa descendant of a pervert actually had some smarts. And even though I expressed my abhorrence to his unnecessary interference, I knew that I owed Benitora my life.

With this rude awakening came my ability to overcome the cruel ministrations of this cheap copycat. The man who was imitating my revered mentor was missing one distinct element.

He lacked the essence of the true demon eyed warrior.

Kubira did not have privy to the experiences that my mentor endured the last several months. Even the last few days alone were filled with turning points that made him into the man he is at this precise moment. In other words, Kubira had failed in what he never had the power to do in the first place: to duplicate the TRUE soul of the man that made the demon eyed warrior.

With this thought I reassembled my cognizance towards my purpose and got angry.

Really angry.

Kubira's blatant mockery and invasion of my mind catalyzed my anger and my determination to strive to be the warrior worthy of fighting the genuine article. Not the pathetic doppelganger that stood before me.

The methods of defeating Kubira was simple and clear-cut following this revelation.

And it would seem that all was well that ended well.

Not quite.

There was still one more issue to deal with.

My answer to Question #3.

That sneaky bastard.

How dare Kubira show me something in my heart that I wasn't ready to see. How dare he unlock the feelings I've tucked away from the others, from you.

From me.

He released them in torrents with one snap of his fingers.

And that was just the beginning.

In addition to exposing my true feelings, he made me see.

He made me see in a ways I had not in a long time.

It wasn't that he gave me back my sight in actuality. But he might as well have.

The bonafide true to life picture of you that he "showed" me in my mind was needless to say-

Absolutely breathtaking.

Up until this point, I had prided myself in possessing a fairly accurate image of you through the use of my heightened senses and my reading of your aura.

How wrong I was, Yuya-san.

I realized what I had pictured in my mind didn't do you a fraction of justice as I lingered on the pair of the most expressive green eyes. Your long, blond hair more resplendent than the rays of the sun. Your petite, lithe form that I momentarily embraced not so long ago.

And your smile. That vibrant, captivating smile that could bring the entire Mibu army to its knees.

Including myself.

To truly see that your outer form was just as beautiful as your inner essence catapulted me into a state of dizziness.

It was one the few times I wished for my old sight back; only to be privy to one more glance at the sublime beauty that is you.

The memory of your image was etched in my mind forevermore as I secretly thanked Kubira for his sole act of kindness.

And cursed him for hitting me with the anvil of reality.

Because it made me realize the vulnerability of it all.

That even I, the entity of ice, was not immune to this feeling.

This feeling I couldn't exactly place, comprehend, or accept.

It angered me beyond all else that I had to deal with these petty emotions that were reserved for the feeble-hearted.

I don't need it. I can't have it. I deny it.

So here I am. Venting the state of my frustrated uneasiness to the wrong party.

Kubira for making me see.

Akari for making me confess.

Yukimura for making me react

And you, for being you.

When I should be blaming myself for being so weak.

But it doesn't matter.

Admitting to the confusing set of feelings I carry for you doesn't mean anything.

In the end, they are simply emotions.

Emotions that can be denied, hidden, and squashed.

As I said before, feelings that can be shut away under lock and key.

Because I have no need for anyone.

And no one should have any need for me.

And I have nothing to offer.

Especially to you.

I am not a samurai. I carry no riches. And unlike the others, I am no descendent of a noble lineage.

No title. No wealth. No name.

I have nothing of value except for the two swords on my back and the willingness to protect.

You deserve more than that.

Much, much more.

And so it goes on, as I deny myself of the feelings I am not destined to have.

Feelings for you that should be purged and sealed away. Feelings that you will never know.

But I'll let myself "see."

Just this one time before I plunge back into the shadowy abyss as I admit that-

Something is wrong with me.

And I know what it is.

Damn it, Yuya-san.

I love you.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Helpful Terms: (previous disclaimer applies and more spoilers below)

TAISHIROU – The most powerful group of MIBU only second to the Red King. Comprised of four members each bestowed with virtually omnipotent powers. Charged by the Red King to preside over the Goyousei, the soldiers, and all the residents of Mibu.

1-Fubuki – The leader and the most veteran member of the present Taishirou

2-Hishigi

3-Yuan

4-Tokito

FOUR DOORS / GATEWAY – (yottsu no tobira) – The four different doors leading to various paths throughout the Mibu territory. Out of the four, it has been said that one of the pathways connects to the entrance of the Onmyouden—the path leading to the Taishirou's inner sanctum. The reason why they split up in four groups to cover more ground and find the correct path.

KUBIRA – One of the members of the Jyunishinshi. The "original" Kubira was the puppet master back in the early volumes of the manga. The title and the power of this Jyunishinshi that perished in the earlier chapters were born again under Taishirou's permission. Ironically, it was Akira that defeated the current Kubira as he had killed the original one. (Note – the original and the current Kubira are comprised of two different people—just the title and the position was resurrected not the person).

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

The battle with Kubira when Akira is asked and "shown" the images of his answers to Kubira's questions takes places in Volume 24, Chapter 194.

The implied confession by Akira (in order to have Akari heal Antera) of his feelings towards Yuya is hinted by Hotaru in Volume 25, Chapter 199.

The bear soup incident when Akira overreacts to Yukimura's insinuations to Yuya about her level of "involvement" with Kyo takes place in Volume 27, Chapter 214.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

A/N –(10.28.04) Thank you for your readership and reviews. I plan on continuring this story after more volumes of the manga are released. We'll see what Kamijyo-sensei has in store for Akira…

In the meantime, I am working on a few other SDK stories one of them which involves Akira x Yuya pairing. This time, it will be an AU (alternate universe) with more chapters and whatnot. Please stop by and read if you have the time and the inclination to do so.

I also have an idea or two for a Kyo/Yuya fanfic (contrary to popular belief, I do respect and am fond of this canon coupling). The ideas are still in the form of muffled thoughts in my head but I'll sort them out eventually in between the rigors of life and writing other works.

**Arigato to all the readers.******

**And special thanks to those that took the time to review (Ch3): Starian Princess, Happster360, Alyson Metallium (thank you for the heads up about vol 28!), LadyWater2010, Lady of Genesis (your nihongo is correct!), Chibi Tenshi, Triste1, The Mediocre One, Lazeralk, and df-silver-fox-demon (Ch2) - nekozuki**


	5. The Need to Change

**CHAPTER 5 Summary:** Akira's faces his toughest challenge to date. **Spoilers up to Volume 30 of SDK manga.**

**CHAPTER 5 RATING:** PG

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Samurai Deeper Kyo anime, manga or any of its characters. Kamijyo Akimine is the true legal and spiritual owner.

* * *

I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU  
By: Nekozuki 1776

Chapter 5 - The Need to Change

**_You have reached your limit. _**

What awful words.

What awful, gut wrenching words more excruciating than the sharpened edge of a Muramasa's blade.

I aimlessly stagger into the hallowed halls of Yuan's residence and in further frustration, I viciously punch the stone wall over and over again until it is splattered with my blood.

**_It's a miracle you've come this far._**

One of Yuan's konoetaishi guards, Anthony, used his senbon technique to elevate the powers of Hotaru, Bontenmaru, and Shinrei. He was able to augment their fighting abilities to unbelievable heights in preparation for their impending battles.

But not me.

**_Since you are not of a true samurai blood…_**

Anthony took the liberty of pointing out what I had been dreading for some time.

**_There is nothing more that can be done for you. _**

I lean back against the support and observe the worthless blood flow freely out of my torn hand still clenched in a tightened fist. The burning throbs match the ragged resonance of my breathing as I become painfully aware of how alone I am.

If it's one thing I despise more than the provoking taunts of an enemy, the noisy bantering of the Tokugawa botchan, and the cries of the suffering is-

The deafening sound of silence.

A state I would rather avoid in my current condition.

Because it is within this isolated moment of solitude is when I am forced to witness my worst fear coming into fruition.

Exactly how had everything gone wrong?

The downward spiral began the moment we stepped into the realm of the Taishirou territory in the heart of Mibu; that blasted entrance to the labyrinth of the Onmyouden.

Like a tiring cliché, the omnipotent quartet pulled one of their grandiose numbers making their bow-to-us-as-we-majestically-float-above-you entrance which was nothing short of ostentatious.

And minutes within successfully passing through the gates, those inconsiderate members of the Red King's elite dropped the ground from under us.

Been there. Done that.

What poor hosts they are in their Mibu playground.

Honestly, if I wasn't so busy trying to stay alive and worrying over you, Yuya-san, I might actually have submitted a formal complaint for their lack of originality in their supposed creative tactics.

And I found myself once again being forcibly separated from the others.

And you.

But I will note one observant point during the plunge that was different from the previous experience.

This time, I wasn't standing close enough to save you from the fall. The Taishirou made sure of spreading the chasm wide enough to pull you down along with the rest of us. They ensured that everyone descended to their respective destructive nooks.

Once we reached the ground, I was unexpectedly teamed up this round with the gargantuan Shiseiten beast and for the second time, the bandana clad hassun boy.

Maybe I should cease the habit of underestimating these virtually immortal beings whose every move they make is more calculating than the prior.

Does the meddling machinations of the Mibu hold no bounds?

And soon after our pleasant plunge into the depths of the black hole, we found ourselves in the halls of The Red Tower aka The Tower Babel. Within this sacred residence of the Taishirou, we gained the pleasure of facing the card manipulating seer by the name of Tokito, the son of the late Muramasa emanating so much hate, bitterness, and power like no one could ever fathom.

Initially not wanting to sully his nails, he sent out one of his card donning soldiers, Tsukigumi no Spade, to welcome us to the seer's territory. This konoetaishi proceeded to assess our abilities under the cheap guise of mundane magic tricks before transporting us to his master's hideout.

Tokito's realm was filled with a dark and heavy aura, all cold and dank. Oh the mind games he played with us. The way he brutally skewed our emotions inside out by haughtily predicting our tragic futures and trying to plant seeds of doubt in our belief in Bontenmaru's loyalty via a cheap mirage of his supposed traitorous activity.

Of course I knew that wasn't the real Bon. I didn't hang around that muscle bound freak for all those years to not know that he would sacrifice himself before he abandoned his comrades.

Which is exactly what he proceeded to do.

Tokito did a number on Bon that tore him inside out. My heightened senses couldn't keep up with the Taishirou's lightening speed attacks he executed more brutally with each passing blow. Even in his peak beast-like state, Bon barely kept up with him.

And in his last desperate attempt to keep us from risking our lives by his side in this seemingly losing battle, Bon threw us out of the Red Tower as he braced himself for further grave injury. Or death.

That. Idiot.

That brawny creature is just too dumb to know when he has had enough. He's too stubborn to let that frighteningly powerful Mibu brat get the better of him.

My desperate screams of his name trailed our descent as Benitora and I fell downward to our unwanted escape and I watched in horror as Tokito's realm within the Red Tower underwent a massive explosion in the form of Bon's ultimate attack.

The clanging drag of my sword against the stone wall resonated the Mibu grounds as I buffered the speed of the hard fall.

The cold plunge into the safety of the water did little to snap me out of my fury as I continued to yell out his name. I nearly froze Benitora and myself along with the lake in frustration of my helplessness.

How dare he protect us. Or rather, protect me. At least Benitora is worth saving with all his hierarchical responsibilities. And Bon holds the bloodline of a powerful samurai with the whole weight of the Date clan riding on his shoulders.

There is nothing for me.

Bon should have let me fight Tokito. Unlike them, I don't hold any noble responsibilities beyond this god forsaken land. That idiot deserves to go forward to the pinnacle of the Red Tower and fulfill his father's wish.

In the brash days of my childhood, I oftentimes labeled Bon as a loud mouthed, arrogant idiot. But underneath the noisy bravado was a guardian who always watched over me in his own rough and tough patriarchic fashion.

And like the demon eyed mentor that I looked up to as my big brother, Bon was a father figure I never had and always wanted.

This prideful samurai who consistently followed me from behind during our travels as I ambitiously trudged on ahead to catch up to my almighty brother. And Bon never seemed to mind lagging behind. I eventually realized that this was his way of protecting the rest of the Shiseiten.

How ironic to know the one person who possibly held the strongest of all samurai heritage readily taking the anchor position to watch over me.

He's still alive. I know he is. I would know if something happened to him. He is too stubborn to know when to call it quits. I swear that I will return with a vengeance to fight for Bon. After all, he still has his goals to reach and people to protect.

As I have mine.

And it makes my mind wander to the unwanted as I wonder how you are doing.

In my darkest moment of despair, the silence inevitably brings out thoughts I promised to have sealed away.

My emancipation from my feelings for you explodes into dusts in my time of mental weakness and I allow my mind to be filled with the warm comfort that is you.

During my brief collapse following my battles with Saishi and Saisei, your gentle fingers treated my wounds with the firm efficiency of a person who was now quite adept at handling these types of impossible injuries and yet managed to do so with a sincere grace that had an alleviating effect to my soul.

I smelled the salty tears you determinedly repressed when you saw me in my torn state. As wonderful as you are as the unofficial caretaker of the group, I knew that you were painfully aware of the limitations the medicine and your abilities held.

I desperately wanted to pull you close to offer you a shoulder that was long overdue and take your trembling form in mine as I let the pads of my sword calloused fingers caress away the unshed tears. I was tempted to coax you in my arms and take in the fragrance of your ribbon bound hair flowing loosely like softened strands of gold.

I know I needed to refrain from these thoughts especially during this time of historical chaos when it was not the time (and still isn't) to deviate from our duties let alone immerse ourselves in the luxuries of excessive emotions.

But how could I continue to ignore the person that helped me _see_ and feel in ways I haven't in a long time? It was your presence that gave me the additional strength to go on. I seriously doubt I could have reached this far without your belief in my convictions.

And I know that I'm not the only one sharing this feeling.

You truly are the healing factor to so many of our ailing souls.

Right before we were parted for the second time, I felt you radiating of worry and insecurity. I suspect this was due to your continuing concern of your role within our group of fighting warriors.

Power comes in many forms, Yuya-san. And you're still oblivious to the inner power you emanate from within. The belief, the spirit, and the beauty displayed inside out wrapped within a fiery temperament and the sincerest of souls.

You think you're helpless? It is your inner strength that has brought us all together to confront the Mibu soldiers, the Jyunishinshi, the Goyousei, and now, the Taishirou.

Weak? I don't think so.

I have witnessed your shooting technique and your fighting ability. And although it doesn't surpass our powers, you more than hold your own and further compensate with the medicinal care and the emotional support you provide us all.

You are truly deserving to stand shoulder to shoulder along with the rest. And even more so because of your unique ability.

Kami, how you affect me so. How you have earned my respect and my heart.

I've tried so hard to cease these thoughts and in turn found myself wanting to behold you from afar.

Do you know that I once observed you while you were sleeping?

In a rare moment when we were given an opportunity for a brief repose, I pretended to be asleep and instead observed you in your state of slumber.

I mentally justified this act under the guise of protecting you while you slept. This is true as I wanted to secure you from any potential harm but my conscience recognized the side benefit to this secretive act.

For the first time, I was able to sense you in your completely unguarded state. I listened to the even rhythm of your breathing occasionally interrupted by a rustling sound of your hair splaying over your kimono. The soft inhales and the puffs of exhale lulled me into a tempting warmth I didn't want to escape.

It made my heart beat a little faster and my head rush in a swarm of dizziness.

It was one of the few times I felt your aura unbridled with guilt, anxiety, or fear. You were resting in a peaceful calm without the pretense of displayed bravery for the sake of others. The expression was very much like the aura you exude when you tend to our wounds.

Unconditional compassion.

It made me wonder if in this contented state if you were dreaming of your past happier days or maybe thinking of the potential bounties to be had.

It also made me think of a dream I once had of you.

As much as I try to keep my thoughts clear of any personal distraction, it is unfortunately in my dreams that I inevitably have no control of what I visualize.

And as much as I hate to admit it, there was a part of me that gladly gave into _seeing_ you in my dream.

I once dreamt of you sitting next to me under the full moon in the serenity of night. We conversed of many things including the fond memories of your brother.

I felt like I was in a scene written by Murasaki Shikibu in which you rested your head in the crook of my arm to escape the chill of the evening air and I readily pulled you in close as I welcomed your warmth seeping into my skin.

The soft luminescence of the moon and the stars further accentuated your ethereal glow. And I couldn't help but to bask in your aura.

The dream felt so real that it will forevermore be etched in my thoughts. And all it takes to relive the dream in my mind is something so simple of a trigger such as observing you sleep, hearing your pleasant laughter, or smelling your heavenly scent when I am around you.

Did you know that you exude the scent of florals and fresh grass? In the midst of the blood, sweat, and grime that we've encountered throughout our battles, you still manage to emanate a hint of your genuine presence.

It's not a manufactured sweetness cloaked in perfume, but a subtle floral fragrance mixed with a sharp hint of greens that can only be pulled from nature and you.

And what a heady feeling it is to be in the presence of that sweet essence.

Pure, fresh, and natural. Undeniably you.

Although the recent set of hardships wore you down, you still retained a sense genuine empathy that had not waned in the least.

You still go about with a determined naiveté of what we all see and you don't. And there are times when you speak out with the sincere wisdom that rivals the most enlightened of sages.

Your boundless spirit is pure and contagious. And I realize that I can't keep denying these feelings as I struggle to gain control of my feelings for you.

I know I've made convictions of sealing you out of my life. And the thought of doing so now makes me shiver to the core.

Because it is that same conviction that frightens me of a life without you.

The resistance, the denial, and the need for you all pulled together in an amalgam of emotions that I know I must confront. It needs to be dealt with before it drives me mad.

But before I come to terms with these feelings, there is one important event that must take place.

I need to change.

I need to face my demons and throw caution to the wind.

And not believe in everything that has been said and ingrained.

So what if the blood of a bonafide samurai fails to course through my veins.

It has no bearing on my abilities.

Everything I have been taught, I've learned. Everything I have learned, I've perfected. It has taken me years of discipline and many sacrifices.

But I have done it.

I accomplished this under the brutal tutelage of the toughest mentor that I've ever known. Despite all the odds, I have learned to fall, learned to stand, and learned to fight past all challenges set before me.

And now, within the hallowed halls of Yuan's realm I clench the hand now encrusted with blood and reaffirm my convictions as I mentally prepare to face my greatest challenge to date.

**_Your have reached your limit. _**

How little do they know that I don't respond well to limitations. And I refuse to succumb to their code of manifested destiny.

**_It's a miracle that you've come this far._**

I am not a product of a miracle. I've arrived here on my own merits and it will remain as such. I refuse to have years of dedicated hard work and discipline be minimized by a mere presumption. I am worth more than that.

**_There is nothing more that can be done for you._**

I don't need to rely on some Mibu bestowed augmentation to elevate my powers. Like the multi-faceted technique of my Muhyou Getten, there is more than one way to defeat an enemy.

I have people to protect and battles to be fought.

I will overcome this supposed barrier placed upon me and will surpass all things that were written in their tablets of destiny. I refuse to be snuffed out like their preordained candles of life fading slowly into the dead of night.

I will become stronger. For their sake. For yours. And mine.

I will find a way to become stronger in my own terms. I will fortify the body, the mind, and the soul to make myself worthy of facing my mentor and achieve the position of the second strongest in the world.

And lastly, I will seek the strength from deep within to come to terms with a certain emotion.

Damn the Mibu with their prophetic notions.

I will prove to the elevated gods that an ordinary being can be every bit as powerful as their sanctified warriors.

Let them try to break me with their fate altering games.

I'll be ready.

I am Akira of the Shiseiten.

Let the **real** games begin.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

**A/N – (****March 10, 2005) **– A big thanks goes out to **The Narrator** for creating the awesome Akira/Yuya fanart for this story. I have uploaded the picture in my profile page for a limited time. Click on my pen name to check it out. **Arigato to all the readers and your continued support.**** -Nekozuki **

Helpful terms and additional information. Spoilers below. **PREVIOUS DISCLAIMER APPLIES.**

**ANTHONY **– (pronounced /an-so-nee/) The lead Taishirou konoetaishi of Yuan. He utilizes power infused senbon (specialized needle) as a weapon and a conduit to augment people's powers. Anthony is also a younger brother of Yuan.

**BONTENMARU (Bon) –** Formal name: Date (pronounced /da-te/) Masamune The first person to team up with Kyo as a Shiseiten. His father was a powerful samurai who was killed by an ally. His goal is to carry out his father's wishes to "obtain heaven with his own hands."

**BOTCHAN** – A word used to describe a well to do young male normally of a prestigious and wealthy background. In the manga, this term is often used in a teasing manner to address Benitora.

**KONOETAISHI – **Term used to describe the personal soldiers of the Taishirou. Each Taishirou have their own individual konoetaishi. Tokito has his Tsukigumi no Spade, Heart, Clove and Diamond. All of Yuan's siblings are konoetaishi including Anthony.

**MUHYOU GETTEN** – Akira's trademark technique utilizing his two swords to create a series of ice daggers for a variety of attack and defense moves.

**MURASAKI SHIKIBU – **Lady Murasaki Shikibu is the distinguished Japanese author most famous for her work, _The Tale of Genji_ (_Genji Monogatari_). She wrote the book during the early 11th century and is considered one of the first in history to write a full fledged novel. _The Tale of Genji_ is based on a journal she kept concerning a real prince by the name of Genji. It is one of the most eloquent stories I've ever read that delves skillfully into the human emotions and contains many descriptive settings based on nature.

**RED ****TOWER** – The prime headquarter of the Taishirou. The main battles with each of the Taishirou so far has taken place here. The Taishirou's personal residence is also located in The Red Tower. Side note: In the manga, Akira makes a comparison of The Red Tower to the Tower of Babel.

The **Tower**** of ****Babel** comes from the Old Testament in the Bible referring to the structure the Babylonians tried building as high as the heavens in their attempt to reach God. In anger, God punishes them by mixing up their language which causes miscommunication in the building process. This prevents the completion of the tower and also brings about the birth of different languages. (Genesis 11:1-9)

**TAISHIROU** - A powerful group comprised of four virtually omnipotent beings only second to the Red King.

The four members of the Taishirou (with focus on Yuan and Tokito):

1. Fubuki – current leader of the Taishirou.

2. Hishigi –Has the longest affiliation with Fubuki out of all the Taishirou. Akari was a former disciple of Hishigi. The quietest of all the Taishirou.

3. Yuan – A powerful empath and possible soul stealer (?). Might be blind because his eyes are always covered. Or it might be a technique to facilitate his inner sight. Yuan's Taishirou soldiers consists of his siblings including **Anthony. **There are hints in the manga that Yuan became a Taishirou for the sake of his mother (a former Taishirou).

4. Tokito – The most powerful seer of all Mibu (probably with exception of the Red King). He predicts the fates of people through the usage of his sacred deck of cards. He can also control a person's future to a certain extent. (as seen in the Room of Time scene with Bontenmaru in Volume 15, episode 118 ). He is the son of Muramasa, the former mentor of Kyo. Tokito holds a deep grudge against Muramasa whose reasons are yet unknown. It may have something to do with when Muramasa severed ties and left the Mibu territory.

-o-o-o-

**Individual responses to reviews:** I usually answer general questions in a Q/A format but I will try to answer in this fashion every few chapters or so.

**Lazeralk** – Heaven knows Akira deserves a hug… and a kiss. Thank you for the kind reviews.

**Alyson Metallium** – I'm glad you liked Akari in this story. I love his (ducks a flinging shakujyo at the erroneous use of pronoun) role in keeping the humor and fright within the dynamics of the Shiseiten. Your reviews always help me bring out the inner Akira in my writings. Thank you Alyson.

**Starian Princess** – I agree with your assessment of certain parallels between Akira and Kenshin. I am not as familiar with RK as I am with SDK (I've only seen some parts of the RK anime), but I definitely sense the similar self-unworthiness vibe coming from Kenshin. As you stated, I think Akira does have a better grasp with his inner battle. But as you can see in this chapter, more challenges await him that will test his mental and physical will. I am curious to see how Akira handles this. BTW – I am looking forward to reading your Yukimura/Yuya story. Hurrah for alternate pairings!

**Lady of Genesis** – I know Ch 4 was an angsty one. I hope this one was a tad more upbeat. (at least the ending…) More challenges lay ahead for Akira-kun. Thank you as always for all your kind reviews.

**kazemar-kaemi** – I'm glad you liked the flow of the story. Although it is a bit of a challenge to keep the fluidity intact, this is in fact one of my favorites that I will continue to write as long as I can.

**Genjy0-Sanz0** – Thank you for complimenting my knowledge of the Shiseiten. I tried hard to integrate Akari's true characteristics. Although this story will remain in Akira's POV, I do plan on writing a few oneshots and a series of introspectives of certain SDK characters, one of them which involves Kyo.

**The Narrator** – Thank you for your support in all of my writings, especially the Akira/Yuya stories. It does seem like Tokyopop could speed up on the translations a bit more but alas it looks like it will continue to go on at its sluggish pace, ne? And I can't bow enough /peko/ for the awesome Akira/Yuya fanart. Thanks to you, you've brought some much needed color to my profile page. You truly are talented in the field of writing and the arts.

**Chibi Tenshi** – Ah, you're always so kind with your reviews. One of my favorite Akira / Yuya comedy moment is when everyone reacts to Yukimura's scandalous question to Yuya. Akira, Akari, and Benitora in rampant denial, Kyo with his stoic indifference (heaven know what he's thinking), Yuya looking dazedly confused, and Yukimura looking wickedly amused. And all in front of a comedy prop a la bear stew, ne?

**Triste1** – Your review is further affirmation as to why I like Akira so much as a character and why I continue to work on this story in the way I choose to write. Your kind words make me blush. Thank you.

**Happster360** – As I mentioned to Chibi Tenshi, the bear stew scene is in fact one of my favorite comedy setting. Akira's reaction is just as amusing as Yukimura's naughty inquiry. Thanks for your support on this story from the very beginning.

**Shiseiten Hikari** – Hurrah for the kuma nabe scene! Akira's reaction to Yukimura's suggestive comment to Yuya was priceless indeed. I hope you enjoyed this chapter too. And thank you for the offer of information on the later SDK episodes. For now, however, I think I will limit myself to the bi-monthly released tankoubon to keep me disciplined. You did pique my interest, though. /slaps self from the lure of temptation/ You know what they say about what curiosity does to a neko…

**Dagorwen of Ithlien**: ok ok ok : ) I hope this update was to your liking.

**somethingeternal**: Thank you for the kind review and a nice assessment to how I hope the readers capture Akira's emotions throughout this story. I think Akira has so much unexplored depth and there will definitely be more adventures lined up for this favorite character of mine.

**JadOo** – Wow. What a nice thing to say. I'm so glad you're enjoying this story. Thank you.

**Lidens **– You brought up some interesting points in your review. After 30 volumes, I am still unsure of whether the SHE Akira refers to is Sakuya or someone else. Although I tend to agree with you that SHE might not be Sakuya, I can't entirely cross her off the list just yet since there is still very little known about her. It's amazing after her appearance in the first few volumes that she's practically disappeared off the pages with the exception of the scene with Yukimura. Thank you for your thoughts as well as the kind reviews.

**tenkage onna -** Your kind words make me blush! Thank you for your support in this story. Somehow, I accidentally missed your review at first due to fanfiction moving it to the very end of the section. Sorry about that.


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